Friday, June 22, 2012

The Rules In the Game of Hot and Cold

So here I am back at square one. I didn't really, or should I say I was hoping not to be here again, because it seems that this is where I always end up, standing in the same place as before with a gaping hole and my emotions spilling all over my hands. For some reason I can't seem to understand the logic to some things. If there is more than one person involved in something, why is it that the other person's feelings don't matter? I'm sure this is a question of the ages.  I hate this feeling more than anything in the world, but while sad and unfortunate, at this stage, it's almost an expected part of my world  and the people that I allow into it.  I can't seem to figure out how in the world I get things so twisted and confused or is it that I'm in search of the end of the rainbow that I may never reach. I'm not really sure. I just know that hurt and disappointment have become a regular part of my usually happy existence. It's almost as if, every so often, I add a spot just for this. I often fault myself simply because it could all be prevented if I would just keep everything in perspective and act accordingly, but then that would require my obtaining a penis and massive amounts of testosterone, for this seems to be the only way that broken hearts are mended.. I can never seem to understand how flipping back and forth is an option and what occurs to make this option the best. It's almost as if there is some switch somewhere and it's as simple as flipping it up and down to turn feelings and emotions on and off.
Friendships and relationships are a very important part of life, but the fact of the matter is, you don't hurt people that you care about. It's like a never ending cycle that I can't seem to break. As soon as I let that wall down, what comes next is almost always inevitable. For some reason, having feelings for someone, makes you weak and unappealing. I have tried for the longest time to figure this thing out and keep it all under wraps, but I always seem to fail miserably. My biggest problem is learning to be ok with whatever happens. Not having a clear understanding of things always seems to cause me a great deal of anxiety, because I learned long ago that while the truth may hurt, it's a lot better than being in the dark.. I'm beginning to think that I should be just like everyone else and not consider anyone else's feelings either. But, I'm kidding myself, because that's not who I am, everyone's feelings involved in anything should always be considered. Selfishness has never been who I am and I wouldn't dare start now. I just wish I could understand how everyone else is ok with only thinking of self. 

It has come to my attention that I'm in love with being in love, and I guess a hopeless romantic will always be who I am and until it's my turn.  The rules in the game of hot and cold have never been ones that were clear to me. But as I live and learn I am continuing to learn that being you is the only person that you can be even if you have to be hurt sometimes. My heart has always been too large to hold grudges and remain angry, and seeing the good in people is always what I do. As I continue to navigate on this journey and become more familiar to the rules to this game, I'll keep my fingers crossed and pray that at some point happiness will find me and I'll be able to take all of this armor off and share who I really am because the rules in the game of hot and cold seem to cause injury..

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