The End and the Beginning

How many times has it seemed that the life that we're living was playing out as a dream? So many times things that we subject ourselves to are so unbelievable that the only explanation that can be given is that it's all a dream or, a nightmare..  I saw a quote recently by the most fabulous and often troubled Marilyn Monroe, and it said this: " I believe that everthing happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe
How many times have we sat and wondered why the things in my life happen as they do, how in the world did we get to this place? This time last year I found myself in the beginning stages of the ending of something that I thought was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me and couldn't understand why....   Mistaken and misled could be a great understatement although it was all self inflicted, as are most things that happen in our lives. I'm not certain why ending things causes us so much fear and confusion. I think that in life we often lie to ourselves for comfort and complacency becomes a way of life and unhappiness and discomfort become who we are and every fiber of our being is consumed and overcome by it. I was that person and have been, most of my adult life, the things that I have done in my life have been for the love of someone else and not for the love for myself. While I still have a very long way to go, the journey has finally begun and it makes me very happy to know that I am the navigator of my destiny.

I have had the chance to examine and reflect on things that have gone on in my life and sometimes, I wish there was a rewind button so I could go back and look at the way things were and find a better resolution than which ever one was chosen at the time. I think that in many instances if we could actually go back and look at the things that we've done and been a part of, many of us would do things quite differently.  So much of our time is spent on regrets and shoulda coulda wouldas that if we had a nickel for every one of these times, we would be rich.. But I'm learning that life is too short for regrets and shoulda, coulda, and wouldas.... There is a reason for everything that happens in your life and for every sad scene, happy endings are still possible. There will always be people that enter your life and sometimes, they are meant to come in and stay a while and sometimes they're just stopping through to bring a little something for you to hold on to. So many of us look to others for that happy ending, but in all actuality we are the only ones that are capable of gaining the happiness that we are in search of.

For everything that ends in your life you should be able to say that you walked away with a greater understanding of that situation regardless of what it is and that you're better because of it.  It has taken me a very long time to be able to accept the ending of most things that have taken place in my life and sometimes it has taken me longer to appreciate and be happy about the ending of anything. But as I grow and I live, I've learned that everything that happens, happens for a reason and when things end, it's just to make room for bigger and better things. So as this year comes to a close, I will say thank you for all of the things that have ended and look forward to all of the new beginnings coming my way, because ending a chapter only means that you're starting a newone.  To all the new chapters in your life!!!

Songs of Life...

Due to lifes circumstance I don't get to come by here and drop lines as I would like to, however, when time does permit, I try to get out as much as I can. The words and thoughts inside of me seem to overflow like a river and it's times like these that I have to take a minute to actually get some of these thoughts out. There are often so many that I never know where to begin. I was sitting here having a glass of wine and listening to a little Jill Scott and to the lyrics of her songs and it always amazes me that if you listen to just the right artist, you'll actually find that there's a story that's being told and if you listen just a little longer, at some point you'll actually be able to relate to just what they're singing about. If you could write a song about your life, how would it begin or end?  While my life hasn't gone exactly how I thought it should've gone, it's still my life and I'm so thankful for it, regardless to the tears or pain that I've experienced along the way. As I've grown, it has become quite apparent that whether we are willing to admit it or not, life is truly like a song and only you can determine if it will sing as a beautiful melody. The Songs of Life.....

Inside My Love

As I continue on this journey of self discovery, things are slowly but surely becoming more clear to me, when I think about where I've been and the road that I'm traveling now. I've come to the realization that, for the first time since 2008,  I am absolutely positively single... *sighs* It sounds kind of funny to hear me say aloud, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be.  Now, here's where my honesty comes in.  The only real things that I miss about being in a relationship is sleeping alone some nights and not having someone to talk to all of the time. I mean, I have three daughters that really occupy my time, but our conversations are usually me and my...  (not that that's unusual for teenage girls or any girls for that matter.) I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with some of my favorite people and in the few hours that I was able to find a quiet moment, I sat and listened to my thoughts.  (you'd be surprised at the things that you hear when you just stop and listen.) I'm what one might call a serial monogamist. I'm usualy in a relationship with someone regardless to how happy or unhappy I am. I have always been the one in search of something. It has become clear to me that my biggest problem all of this time has been my ability to completely ignore how I feel in order to love someone else. While there is no law against loving other people, there is the age old addage of, " how can you love someone else without loving yourself first. " I'm learning that this statement hits me right in the gut.  So here I am falling in love with myself!! It feels great and I"m learning not to be afraid, of things that I have no control over.  I'm learning that inside my love, everything that I've never needed is right here inside of who I am.  I'm so such more than I've offered myself over the years, and I am no longer willing to settle for anything other than what I deserve.  I'm so excited to be on this journey of self discovery that I can't wait to see what happens next.....

Kissing Frogs and Other Fairytale Foolishness

Growing from little girls to women, we all want the fairytale life and relationship, most of us anyway. While not willing to admit it, it really is the sad truth. We want our love lives to be just like that that fairytales are made of. But nothing could be further from the truth.  As women, we spend alot of time dating and it often becomes very tiring and monotonous. I had a lady ask me once, " young lady are you married", and my reply was. " no ma'am, I'm still kissing frogs!" She found this remark to be quite amusing. She said that she hadn't ever heard anyone put it like that before.  The truth of the matter is, that in my young 35 years, I have spent a majority of my time kissing frogs in hopes that they would become a prince just like the one in the fairytale. Well I'm here to tell you that that's not exactly how things work. I heard Boris Kodjo say,  "as women, we often are willing to deal with the man standing in front of us instead of dealing with who the man really is. "  Now this statement alone gives cause for great consideration when looking at the people that we choose to date. I'm slowly learning that whatever a man tells you is exactly what he means even if he is doing just the opposite. He will truly show you what he thinks of you. We are often willing to deal with the potential of a man rather than taking him for the man that he really is. I myself have been guilty of making this mistake more times than I care to count. My hopes were that by now I would have been in some sort of meaningful relationship with a man that is deserving of the love that I have to give. But here I am still kissing frogs. It used to upset me quite the bit, but as I grow and I mature, I have come to the realization that everything comes in due time and rushing it only makes the process even more lengthy and tedious. So here I am eager and happy to see what happens next in hopes that eventually Prince Charming will arrive with my last first kiss and kissing frogs will be a distant and fond memory.

If It Dont Fit, Dont Force It...

So it's been a minute since I've actually taken the time to sit down and write... I think for the most part I had an insane case of writer's block or just a very terrible case of not being able to handle the truth.  In the last few weeks I've had to do some self assessment and re-group.. Life often never happens like you would like to think it should and rolling with the punches becomes a sport of sorts.... So here I am rolling with the punches.  It has been very difficult for me to admit that I often am my own worst enemy and I am the cause of much of my heartache and discontent. It seems that I've spent a majority of my adult life forcing pieces into the wrong places. This alone has caused me the greatest amount of pain. In all of our lives there is a time and a place for everything and for everyone that enters your life there is a purpose and a reason wether it be made known to you immediately or wether you figure you out later on down the line, everything has a reason and a purpose. In my saying all of that, I have come the realization that I have been willing for so long to accept whatever has been thrown in my direction regardless of the pain or discomfort that it has or may cause me just for the sake of saying that I was in it... These relationships, wether romantic or platonic have often been extremely septic to my existence, but again for the sake of saying that I was in it has lead me to many sleepless nights and even more times of me questioning my sanity and loyalty to those that I give the most care and love to. I have yet again allowed myselft to question my worth just for that sake of saying that I was in it... I was there. As I grow and I learn, this very consistent practice has become a thorn in my side. I have decided that I am no longer willing to be a part of ANY relationship that I have questions about. I can't make anybody be anything that they don't want to be and forcing what doesn't fit only makes me feel better for a while but eventually brings me back to where I started.  So, if don't fit don't force it, let the chips fall where they may  and it is what it is..... 

Short and Sweet

So Tuesday morning, I woke up and decided that I would do something daring, drastic, amazing. So, I cut my hair, not that I'm the first woman to cut my hair or anything, just that I went way short.. Which is ok, because I'm ok with it..  For several months now, some of my favorite people have made several attempts at trying to convince me that going natural was really easy and that there would be some sort of prize at the end of this perilous journey... Well, the only reward that one really gets is that they are comfortable with themselves and that they have healthy hair.  For black women, hair is very important business, you do whatever is necessary to keep it and make it grow.....  I have been known to go and just cut off my hair, so for those that have been around me, it's no surprise.  But for those that are not familiar with my madness so to speak, such changes are a little surprising, so needless to say, I got many strange and interesting comments when I arrived at work and the new me was all smiles with the decision that I made.  I kinda felt like Bernadette from Waiting to Exhale except I haven't been married for 12 years and I have 3 kids not two.. (smile) Well, nonetheless, I cut my hair and it feels great.  It wasn't in my plans, but things happen and you change your mind. There are many (my father) who would have preferred me to allow my hair to grow, but I'm happy with the decision that I made and my Journey to Natural had begun.. Bon Voyage.... 

Just Let It Go

 

So I've made it to another Valentines Day.. Alone. Last year didn't expect to be spending

today alone.  Seeing that I had what I thought was the perfect Valentines last year... Oh. Well.. Just like the saying goes, easy come easy go.. Or is it??  I was in a relationship with someone that I thought very highly of and was hoping that he was the last frog that I would have to kiss... Well... I guess nothing could  have been further from the truth.. And now that the relationship is over it seems that it's very difficult to let go.. To love someone and spend lots of time loving them, sleeping next to them, calling them, and all of the other things that go with a relationship, and then in a the blink of an eye it's over.. And sometimes I will be first to admit, we/I become so involved and focused that I often don't see the forest for the trees... Being miserable is not what I strive for or even one of my deepest desires, but it seems that I thrive in relationships that bring me great misery and pain.. It has become apparent to me that love should be something of happiness and sheer bliss.... It should be one of those instances when you can't get enough of that person.  It should never be something that you have to work so hard that you're tired at the end of the day... Ive come to the realization, that its sometimes easier to let go of things that it is others. But, no one said that it was going to be easy.. Letting go is the hardest part of ending a relationship and I guess what makes this time so difficult is because I'm so tired of letting go.. I shouldn't have to keep playing this same game over and over again. But it seems that this is just the way the cards have been dealt to me, so what better thing to do than to play my hand..   I have come to realize that I first am the navigator of my own happiness and in order for me to be happy and love someone else, I must first love myself. I have been guilty of time and time again sharing the love that I have to offer with people that treat it as an obligation and not a gift... In a perfect world, there would be no pain, no disappointment and raindrops would be kisses and sunshine would be hugs... But unfortunately that just ain't the world that we're living in.....  Damn... I'm learning, that being still and learning to love me may be the greatest love of all and letting go is just a fact of life even though it may cause great pain and discomfort.. The scariest part of letting go is that the person that you're letting go of, you may be letting go of forever... In order to be healed and able to start over again letting go, while extremely hard is best even though you may be making a permanent decision.... So here I am on Sweeties Day, being sweet on myself.. But who better to be sweet on other than me... And while I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.... I've decided that I'm letting go... It's taken me a very long time to get to this point, but I gotta do it for me and for my girls.. They deserve to have all of me and not part of me.. I'm all that they have.. so there.. it's done... I'm letting it go..

Where the Hell's My Fairytale

As a little girl, I had this grandiose idea of life, love and the ever-after, which consisted of graduating from college, getting married to a man that adores me, living in the home of my dreams with the picket fence and 2 cars, and eventually having 2.5 children and a dog.   Boy was I fooled!!!!!  Life has a funny way of doing its own thing and in many instances going in a direction that we often never see coming until it hits us, and usually by then it's too late... Now....  Please don't misunderstand, I never lived a tragic underprivileged life.. We were the economy size version of the Huxtables.  Both of my parents attended college where they met and have since been attached at the hip.  From this perfect 40 year union, came my sister and I.  As kids we were always  involved in some activity and every summer we took vacation somewhere.  We attended church together and always had some family function to attend, which usually consisted of a lot of cooking and eating and a whole lot more laughter. ...


I will be the first to say that while I'm sure my parents had their share of good and bad days; they never allowed it to affect the love that we got from them.  My mom was the disciplinarian and my dad, well my dad was my dad and we often used that to our advantage.  If you had asked us, he could move mountains along with a number of other things like walking on water, and leaping tall buildings in a single bound. ( Our version of Superman I guess..)  He has always been the provider and was the first man that I ever loved.  Shoot, he's probably the reason why I don't have a husband now...  He was the perfect example of how and what a man should be.  With him I believed that chivalry wasn't dead.  He gave me something to look forward to..  I wouldn't have asked for a better man  as a father or an example... While male bashing has and never will be my aim or intention, when thinking of men and the ones that I've chosen to deal with, conversations quickly move from how much I love them to why in the world I continue to entertain them as I do.  Now when I say entertain, I mean in respect of my dealings and the things that I've accepted over time..