The Realisms of The Unexplained

So recently it seems that I've come down with a bad case of the woe is me syndrome, and it's really starting to bum me out because I don't want to be one of those people that's always having a bad day and something terrible is always happening to, because the truth of the matter is, most of my days are happy and filled with massive amounts of smiles and laughter. It's just one of those things where every now and again you find yourself falling into old habits and they often begin to consume you. Now as I have stated previously I am in many instances my own worst enemy in that I set myself up to be disappointed. What can I say, I'm hopeless for happy and meaningful relationships, even though that part of life hasn't seemed to have found me.  But it's okay, well at least I'd like it to be. While honesty is always the best policy, it's sometimes very difficult to be honest with ourselves, namely myself and my ability to mask things just to prevent me from seeing things for the way that they really are. I've done it my entire life, so to stop now would seem pointless, right? Not true, as I grow and I learn and I strive to be a better person to myself.  It has come to my attention that I hurt myself more by ignoring the elephant in the room. I have become a master at convincing myself that everyone else's feelings matter and my own can be set aside. This has been the way that I've been my entire life and I always allow things to go so far and then it becomes a problem and by then things are long gone and the thresh hold of no return has been reached. Recently I became friends with someone that I really grew to care about and for that one split second it seemed that that wanting and happiness that I've always wanted had finally arrived, because the happiest surprises come in packages that we never suspect! And things really were exactly as I had hoped that they would be and then I noticed changes but again because I'm really good at ignoring things, I just figured it was something that would eventually go away and things would go back to the way that they were.  But in some ways they did, but the dynamics of this relationship changed drastically and what once was we and us became me and my and again, I placed my blinders on and continued to press on in hopes that something would change and change they did. But the thing about me is  that I have always looked at the potential of a person and not the person standing in front of me and for this I often end up with my feelings hurt and an emptiness just as great as the one before. I'm learning that I have a very big issue with letting go, I always have. I'm not sure if it has something to do with ultimately making a decision that may be permanent or if it's the fear of the way the other person will be left feeling regardless to the way that I've been made to feel. In the past few days, I had to make a very difficult decision in regards to someone that I care about greatly, not because of hate or wanting to possibly not see them again, but I had to let go of something that seemed to have fizzled away. It you care enough about something, sometimes letting go is the thing that has to be done, because honestly if it's meant to be it will find it's way back to together again. Loving and caring about a person is a very difficult thing and should always be handled delicately and with great care, but we also have to understand that we too sabotage things unknowingly for unconscious reasons and the love and caring that we offer is all that we know how to offer regardless of how bad or indifferent. While I sit and wait for this emptiness to subside, I know in my heart that this is just a test and whatever will be will be!

The Rules In the Game of Hot and Cold

So here I am back at square one. I didn't really, or should I say I was hoping not to be here again, because it seems that this is where I always end up, standing in the same place as before with a gaping hole and my emotions spilling all over my hands. For some reason I can't seem to understand the logic to some things. If there is more than one person involved in something, why is it that the other person's feelings don't matter? I'm sure this is a question of the ages.  I hate this feeling more than anything in the world, but while sad and unfortunate, at this stage, it's almost an expected part of my world  and the people that I allow into it.  I can't seem to figure out how in the world I get things so twisted and confused or is it that I'm in search of the end of the rainbow that I may never reach. I'm not really sure. I just know that hurt and disappointment have become a regular part of my usually happy existence. It's almost as if, every so often, I add a spot just for this. I often fault myself simply because it could all be prevented if I would just keep everything in perspective and act accordingly, but then that would require my obtaining a penis and massive amounts of testosterone, for this seems to be the only way that broken hearts are mended.. I can never seem to understand how flipping back and forth is an option and what occurs to make this option the best. It's almost as if there is some switch somewhere and it's as simple as flipping it up and down to turn feelings and emotions on and off.
Friendships and relationships are a very important part of life, but the fact of the matter is, you don't hurt people that you care about. It's like a never ending cycle that I can't seem to break. As soon as I let that wall down, what comes next is almost always inevitable. For some reason, having feelings for someone, makes you weak and unappealing. I have tried for the longest time to figure this thing out and keep it all under wraps, but I always seem to fail miserably. My biggest problem is learning to be ok with whatever happens. Not having a clear understanding of things always seems to cause me a great deal of anxiety, because I learned long ago that while the truth may hurt, it's a lot better than being in the dark.. I'm beginning to think that I should be just like everyone else and not consider anyone else's feelings either. But, I'm kidding myself, because that's not who I am, everyone's feelings involved in anything should always be considered. Selfishness has never been who I am and I wouldn't dare start now. I just wish I could understand how everyone else is ok with only thinking of self. 

It has come to my attention that I'm in love with being in love, and I guess a hopeless romantic will always be who I am and until it's my turn.  The rules in the game of hot and cold have never been ones that were clear to me. But as I live and learn I am continuing to learn that being you is the only person that you can be even if you have to be hurt sometimes. My heart has always been too large to hold grudges and remain angry, and seeing the good in people is always what I do. As I continue to navigate on this journey and become more familiar to the rules to this game, I'll keep my fingers crossed and pray that at some point happiness will find me and I'll be able to take all of this armor off and share who I really am because the rules in the game of hot and cold seem to cause injury..

Modern Day Bafoonery and the Slave Mentality in It's Simplest Form

Wow. I've had so many things to write about, but have gotten side tracked on many occasions which has kept me from doing what I love most.. Write. There has been something that has been eating me up inside and I decided that what other time than now would better to write. So here goes.. I'm pretty sure that we all can say that we've been guilty of at some point or another being sucked into the reality tv phenomenon so to say it isn't and hasn't been entertaining would be a complete and utter lie. But I've found myself more and more becoming disgusted by what's been aired in the past few years. Case and point, BBW also known as Basketball Wives...  Uhm... See I kept hearing about it and all of it's ignorant backstabbing glory,  but decided that I wanted to check it out for myself just to see what that hype was, and to my sadness and great disdain, it became apparent rather quickly that this entire show was nothing more than a bunch of washed up has been's grasping for straws at staying relevant in a society that they no longer fit in, and what other way to satisfy their need and thirst for superficial things than to sale their simple souls to the devil for the sake of saying that they live the good life. Now I'm pretty sure that I'm stepping on many toes by expressing my dislike for this most popular show, however as adults I think that we can all agree to disagree. Now when I decided to watch this show it became apparent very quickly that this show wasn't about friends trying to uplift each other in a time of need, or even about ex-wives trying to move forward after divorce. But more of a modern day case of bafoonery at its simplest form. Now there are so many angles that I could come from when discussing this show, but I will start at the place that is most disturbing for me. I made several attempts to watch this show but became very disgusted as to not ever watch it again. Being a single mother of 3 girls, it seems that shows like these are very degrading and send the wrong message to our girls. In the age of Black Girls Rock, it seems that all of the wrong messages are being taught and while what our girls learn is ultimately up to us, it should be considered that they are also gaining knowledge and information from these sources and outlets as well. I am very disappointed in the HNIC so to speak Ms. Shaunnie O'Neal who seems to be the mastermind behind this group of simple and basic women and also the ring leader. It saddens me greatly that she would even entertain such foolishness and confusion. I now see her in a different light. The ladies that have decided to take part in this show should really feel like she's pimping them, which is really what it's equivalent to. Week after they come together to back stab, finger point and humiliate each other for a free trip or a some nice piece of merchandise.  Instead of utilizing the resources that have been afforded to them by whatever avenue that was taken to get it in a positive manner, it seems that the entire show is based around lunches, dinners and other useless time wasted on talking about each other and taking trips to far away lands to talk about each other and backstab just a little. While some of these women I'm sure were married to some professional basketball player at some point and time, it has also become apparent to me that some of these women haven't ever been married to, but merely dated some basketball star.  So here's my question, why are they called basketball wives. None of them are have or never have been for that matter. I could go on and on, but it's very sad that while all of these women seem to have some access to resources to be productive and do things in society that some of us only dream about, but instead of taking that route, they would rather argue, fight, call each other names, belittle, berate and humiliate just for the sake of staying relevant or even to maintain a place in society...  While I could go on and on to talk about how sad this makes women look, especially black women, but for now I just hope that at some point these ladies would come to understand and know that their worth is so much more than purses, trips and parties. But until that time.. Lights, Camera, Action.....

Lastnight a DJ Saved My Life

I was actually in bed and about to go to sleep when my thoughts went into overdrive and I wanted to get up and write at that very moment. I had the distinct pleasure of meeting a DJ some months back that I will allow to remain nameless, but in that chance meeting the love that I have for music has only been heightened because of him.  A few weeks ago, on one of me weekend getaways, I was given the pleasure of attending one of the best kept secrets in the South. Now being from the South and living in the city where the blues was cultivated is only one of the small parts that makes me who I am and where I come from. But I digress, on that weekend journey, I got the opportunity to experience music like I never have in my life, not like that new school hip hop that kids call real music, but like classic hip hop like that that I grew up listening to, that that I fell in love with and couldn't get enough of. It was music that moved my soul and made my heart sing in a way that some only dream about, and the beautiful part of it all was that everyone that was in that place that night felt the same way I did, and while I didn't have to hear them say it, I could see it in every movement and facial expression. It was almost as if we were all in a trance and experiencing the same musical orgasm. It was sheer ecstasy and only made the love that much stronger. It often seems that one of the only times that everyone's mind and body is in sync is when the music plays, it reaches across all color, culture and age barriers and allows us all to become one. So while this entry has been short and sweet, here's to the DJ that saved my life and allowed me to experience the music that I often long for............

The End and the Beginning

How many times has it seemed that the life that we're living was playing out as a dream? So many times things that we subject ourselves to are so unbelievable that the only explanation that can be given is that it's all a dream or, a nightmare..  I saw a quote recently by the most fabulous and often troubled Marilyn Monroe, and it said this: " I believe that everthing happens for a reason, people change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you can appreciate them when they go right, you believe lies so that you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." -Marilyn Monroe
How many times have we sat and wondered why the things in my life happen as they do, how in the world did we get to this place? This time last year I found myself in the beginning stages of the ending of something that I thought was the most wonderful thing that had ever happened to me and couldn't understand why....   Mistaken and misled could be a great understatement although it was all self inflicted, as are most things that happen in our lives. I'm not certain why ending things causes us so much fear and confusion. I think that in life we often lie to ourselves for comfort and complacency becomes a way of life and unhappiness and discomfort become who we are and every fiber of our being is consumed and overcome by it. I was that person and have been, most of my adult life, the things that I have done in my life have been for the love of someone else and not for the love for myself. While I still have a very long way to go, the journey has finally begun and it makes me very happy to know that I am the navigator of my destiny.

I have had the chance to examine and reflect on things that have gone on in my life and sometimes, I wish there was a rewind button so I could go back and look at the way things were and find a better resolution than which ever one was chosen at the time. I think that in many instances if we could actually go back and look at the things that we've done and been a part of, many of us would do things quite differently.  So much of our time is spent on regrets and shoulda coulda wouldas that if we had a nickel for every one of these times, we would be rich.. But I'm learning that life is too short for regrets and shoulda, coulda, and wouldas.... There is a reason for everything that happens in your life and for every sad scene, happy endings are still possible. There will always be people that enter your life and sometimes, they are meant to come in and stay a while and sometimes they're just stopping through to bring a little something for you to hold on to. So many of us look to others for that happy ending, but in all actuality we are the only ones that are capable of gaining the happiness that we are in search of.

For everything that ends in your life you should be able to say that you walked away with a greater understanding of that situation regardless of what it is and that you're better because of it.  It has taken me a very long time to be able to accept the ending of most things that have taken place in my life and sometimes it has taken me longer to appreciate and be happy about the ending of anything. But as I grow and I live, I've learned that everything that happens, happens for a reason and when things end, it's just to make room for bigger and better things. So as this year comes to a close, I will say thank you for all of the things that have ended and look forward to all of the new beginnings coming my way, because ending a chapter only means that you're starting a newone.  To all the new chapters in your life!!!

Songs of Life...

Due to lifes circumstance I don't get to come by here and drop lines as I would like to, however, when time does permit, I try to get out as much as I can. The words and thoughts inside of me seem to overflow like a river and it's times like these that I have to take a minute to actually get some of these thoughts out. There are often so many that I never know where to begin. I was sitting here having a glass of wine and listening to a little Jill Scott and to the lyrics of her songs and it always amazes me that if you listen to just the right artist, you'll actually find that there's a story that's being told and if you listen just a little longer, at some point you'll actually be able to relate to just what they're singing about. If you could write a song about your life, how would it begin or end?  While my life hasn't gone exactly how I thought it should've gone, it's still my life and I'm so thankful for it, regardless to the tears or pain that I've experienced along the way. As I've grown, it has become quite apparent that whether we are willing to admit it or not, life is truly like a song and only you can determine if it will sing as a beautiful melody. The Songs of Life.....

Inside My Love

As I continue on this journey of self discovery, things are slowly but surely becoming more clear to me, when I think about where I've been and the road that I'm traveling now. I've come to the realization that, for the first time since 2008,  I am absolutely positively single... *sighs* It sounds kind of funny to hear me say aloud, but it's not as bad as I thought it would be.  Now, here's where my honesty comes in.  The only real things that I miss about being in a relationship is sleeping alone some nights and not having someone to talk to all of the time. I mean, I have three daughters that really occupy my time, but our conversations are usually me and my...  (not that that's unusual for teenage girls or any girls for that matter.) I had the pleasure of spending the weekend with some of my favorite people and in the few hours that I was able to find a quiet moment, I sat and listened to my thoughts.  (you'd be surprised at the things that you hear when you just stop and listen.) I'm what one might call a serial monogamist. I'm usualy in a relationship with someone regardless to how happy or unhappy I am. I have always been the one in search of something. It has become clear to me that my biggest problem all of this time has been my ability to completely ignore how I feel in order to love someone else. While there is no law against loving other people, there is the age old addage of, " how can you love someone else without loving yourself first. " I'm learning that this statement hits me right in the gut.  So here I am falling in love with myself!! It feels great and I"m learning not to be afraid, of things that I have no control over.  I'm learning that inside my love, everything that I've never needed is right here inside of who I am.  I'm so such more than I've offered myself over the years, and I am no longer willing to settle for anything other than what I deserve.  I'm so excited to be on this journey of self discovery that I can't wait to see what happens next.....

Kissing Frogs and Other Fairytale Foolishness

Growing from little girls to women, we all want the fairytale life and relationship, most of us anyway. While not willing to admit it, it really is the sad truth. We want our love lives to be just like that that fairytales are made of. But nothing could be further from the truth.  As women, we spend alot of time dating and it often becomes very tiring and monotonous. I had a lady ask me once, " young lady are you married", and my reply was. " no ma'am, I'm still kissing frogs!" She found this remark to be quite amusing. She said that she hadn't ever heard anyone put it like that before.  The truth of the matter is, that in my young 35 years, I have spent a majority of my time kissing frogs in hopes that they would become a prince just like the one in the fairytale. Well I'm here to tell you that that's not exactly how things work. I heard Boris Kodjo say,  "as women, we often are willing to deal with the man standing in front of us instead of dealing with who the man really is. "  Now this statement alone gives cause for great consideration when looking at the people that we choose to date. I'm slowly learning that whatever a man tells you is exactly what he means even if he is doing just the opposite. He will truly show you what he thinks of you. We are often willing to deal with the potential of a man rather than taking him for the man that he really is. I myself have been guilty of making this mistake more times than I care to count. My hopes were that by now I would have been in some sort of meaningful relationship with a man that is deserving of the love that I have to give. But here I am still kissing frogs. It used to upset me quite the bit, but as I grow and I mature, I have come to the realization that everything comes in due time and rushing it only makes the process even more lengthy and tedious. So here I am eager and happy to see what happens next in hopes that eventually Prince Charming will arrive with my last first kiss and kissing frogs will be a distant and fond memory.

If It Dont Fit, Dont Force It...

So it's been a minute since I've actually taken the time to sit down and write... I think for the most part I had an insane case of writer's block or just a very terrible case of not being able to handle the truth.  In the last few weeks I've had to do some self assessment and re-group.. Life often never happens like you would like to think it should and rolling with the punches becomes a sport of sorts.... So here I am rolling with the punches.  It has been very difficult for me to admit that I often am my own worst enemy and I am the cause of much of my heartache and discontent. It seems that I've spent a majority of my adult life forcing pieces into the wrong places. This alone has caused me the greatest amount of pain. In all of our lives there is a time and a place for everything and for everyone that enters your life there is a purpose and a reason wether it be made known to you immediately or wether you figure you out later on down the line, everything has a reason and a purpose. In my saying all of that, I have come the realization that I have been willing for so long to accept whatever has been thrown in my direction regardless of the pain or discomfort that it has or may cause me just for the sake of saying that I was in it... These relationships, wether romantic or platonic have often been extremely septic to my existence, but again for the sake of saying that I was in it has lead me to many sleepless nights and even more times of me questioning my sanity and loyalty to those that I give the most care and love to. I have yet again allowed myselft to question my worth just for that sake of saying that I was in it... I was there. As I grow and I learn, this very consistent practice has become a thorn in my side. I have decided that I am no longer willing to be a part of ANY relationship that I have questions about. I can't make anybody be anything that they don't want to be and forcing what doesn't fit only makes me feel better for a while but eventually brings me back to where I started.  So, if don't fit don't force it, let the chips fall where they may  and it is what it is..... 

Short and Sweet

So Tuesday morning, I woke up and decided that I would do something daring, drastic, amazing. So, I cut my hair, not that I'm the first woman to cut my hair or anything, just that I went way short.. Which is ok, because I'm ok with it..  For several months now, some of my favorite people have made several attempts at trying to convince me that going natural was really easy and that there would be some sort of prize at the end of this perilous journey... Well, the only reward that one really gets is that they are comfortable with themselves and that they have healthy hair.  For black women, hair is very important business, you do whatever is necessary to keep it and make it grow.....  I have been known to go and just cut off my hair, so for those that have been around me, it's no surprise.  But for those that are not familiar with my madness so to speak, such changes are a little surprising, so needless to say, I got many strange and interesting comments when I arrived at work and the new me was all smiles with the decision that I made.  I kinda felt like Bernadette from Waiting to Exhale except I haven't been married for 12 years and I have 3 kids not two.. (smile) Well, nonetheless, I cut my hair and it feels great.  It wasn't in my plans, but things happen and you change your mind. There are many (my father) who would have preferred me to allow my hair to grow, but I'm happy with the decision that I made and my Journey to Natural had begun.. Bon Voyage.... 

Just Let It Go

 

So I've made it to another Valentines Day.. Alone. Last year didn't expect to be spending

today alone.  Seeing that I had what I thought was the perfect Valentines last year... Oh. Well.. Just like the saying goes, easy come easy go.. Or is it??  I was in a relationship with someone that I thought very highly of and was hoping that he was the last frog that I would have to kiss... Well... I guess nothing could  have been further from the truth.. And now that the relationship is over it seems that it's very difficult to let go.. To love someone and spend lots of time loving them, sleeping next to them, calling them, and all of the other things that go with a relationship, and then in a the blink of an eye it's over.. And sometimes I will be first to admit, we/I become so involved and focused that I often don't see the forest for the trees... Being miserable is not what I strive for or even one of my deepest desires, but it seems that I thrive in relationships that bring me great misery and pain.. It has become apparent to me that love should be something of happiness and sheer bliss.... It should be one of those instances when you can't get enough of that person.  It should never be something that you have to work so hard that you're tired at the end of the day... Ive come to the realization, that its sometimes easier to let go of things that it is others. But, no one said that it was going to be easy.. Letting go is the hardest part of ending a relationship and I guess what makes this time so difficult is because I'm so tired of letting go.. I shouldn't have to keep playing this same game over and over again. But it seems that this is just the way the cards have been dealt to me, so what better thing to do than to play my hand..   I have come to realize that I first am the navigator of my own happiness and in order for me to be happy and love someone else, I must first love myself. I have been guilty of time and time again sharing the love that I have to offer with people that treat it as an obligation and not a gift... In a perfect world, there would be no pain, no disappointment and raindrops would be kisses and sunshine would be hugs... But unfortunately that just ain't the world that we're living in.....  Damn... I'm learning, that being still and learning to love me may be the greatest love of all and letting go is just a fact of life even though it may cause great pain and discomfort.. The scariest part of letting go is that the person that you're letting go of, you may be letting go of forever... In order to be healed and able to start over again letting go, while extremely hard is best even though you may be making a permanent decision.... So here I am on Sweeties Day, being sweet on myself.. But who better to be sweet on other than me... And while I'm sitting here with tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat.... I've decided that I'm letting go... It's taken me a very long time to get to this point, but I gotta do it for me and for my girls.. They deserve to have all of me and not part of me.. I'm all that they have.. so there.. it's done... I'm letting it go..

Where the Hell's My Fairytale

As a little girl, I had this grandiose idea of life, love and the ever-after, which consisted of graduating from college, getting married to a man that adores me, living in the home of my dreams with the picket fence and 2 cars, and eventually having 2.5 children and a dog.   Boy was I fooled!!!!!  Life has a funny way of doing its own thing and in many instances going in a direction that we often never see coming until it hits us, and usually by then it's too late... Now....  Please don't misunderstand, I never lived a tragic underprivileged life.. We were the economy size version of the Huxtables.  Both of my parents attended college where they met and have since been attached at the hip.  From this perfect 40 year union, came my sister and I.  As kids we were always  involved in some activity and every summer we took vacation somewhere.  We attended church together and always had some family function to attend, which usually consisted of a lot of cooking and eating and a whole lot more laughter. ...


I will be the first to say that while I'm sure my parents had their share of good and bad days; they never allowed it to affect the love that we got from them.  My mom was the disciplinarian and my dad, well my dad was my dad and we often used that to our advantage.  If you had asked us, he could move mountains along with a number of other things like walking on water, and leaping tall buildings in a single bound. ( Our version of Superman I guess..)  He has always been the provider and was the first man that I ever loved.  Shoot, he's probably the reason why I don't have a husband now...  He was the perfect example of how and what a man should be.  With him I believed that chivalry wasn't dead.  He gave me something to look forward to..  I wouldn't have asked for a better man  as a father or an example... While male bashing has and never will be my aim or intention, when thinking of men and the ones that I've chosen to deal with, conversations quickly move from how much I love them to why in the world I continue to entertain them as I do.  Now when I say entertain, I mean in respect of my dealings and the things that I've accepted over time..